Navigating Relationship Conflict
Here are some helpful tips when navigating a conflict with your partner. Ensure you are both regulated and not distracted by other things going on in your environment before starting a dialogue.
Invite your partner to join you. You invite them to join you in the bubble, loving space, communication zone, or a name you both choose to indicate that you want to have a conversation about your relationship with the aim of building a loving partnership. This space is not meant to be judgmental, but a safe space where you can express your concerns and worries without fear of reprisal.
Use I statements. When communicating your concern, be sure to frame it using I statements. For example, “I felt that I was not being understood” versus “you don’t understand me.” ‘I’ statements invite inquiry whereas ‘you’ statements can bring up defences in your partner.
Use active listening. Do not assume your understanding of a situation is the same as your partners. Everyone experiences a situation differently. Ask them questions to understand their perspective of the experience, such as “how did that make you feel” or “what did you take away from that conversation.”
Reflect back what they say. For example, if your partner says, “I felt like you were disappointed in me,” reflect their feelings back: “when I said that to you, you felt that I was disappointed in you,” apologize and tell them what you actually felt/meant, “I am sorry that you felt I was disappointed in you. What I was feeling was sadness because I felt I was disappointing you.”
Apologize. When your partners feelings have been hurt, apologize. There are times when we do something in a relationship that hurts our partners feelings and we do not believe we have done anything wrong. Feeling like you did not do anything wrong is ok. You do not have to apologize for what you did BUT you can apologize for hurting your partner. You can say something like: “I am really sorry that I hurt you. That was never my intention.”
Soften requests. If you are wanting support for activities in your life together, soften how you start the conversation. For example, if you want help with chores, you can say, “There was a lot to do today when we got home from work. Can we talk about how to support each other so it feels less heavy in the future” versus “you don’t help around the house enough”. This method invites inquiry and problem solving versus defensiveness in your partner.
Develop a code-word. Sometimes we are not in the right head-space or we are too dysregulated to participate in productive dialogue. In these cases, it may be helpful to use a code word to let your partner know that you need a break to regulate or collect yourself before continuing the conversation. Choose the word together. It should be unique and something that you would not normally say in a conversation. Example words include Orion, Quiet Island, Dream Boat.
Have a trick. When things are getting too intense, you can bring the intensity down by pulling out a silly object. Some couples have used party hats, others have used fake eye-glasses with an attached nose, others a funny mask. This trick should only be used in situations that both partners have agreed (during non-conflict moments ) it is ok to use to ensure you reduce the risk of increasing the conflict.
Re-connect. Once you have come to an agreement or compromise to conclude the conversation, end with a 6-second kiss and a 60-second hug. Even if you don’t feel like it. These two behaviours can increase the release of oxytocin (the love hormone) and help repair your connection.
By Lori Sacrey from ideas created by The Gottman Institute and others.